with so many women. A first-time-soon-to-be-momma; late-20's; educated on the benefits of having a unmedicated, minimal-intervention birth for her January-due baby boy. A supportive, loving and excited Daddy. Pre-natal appointments with an OB who rolled his eyes when she would express her desire for this "granola birth" in a hospital run by nurses and doctors and anesthesiologists with schedules and demands; good intentions and yet the worries of lawsuits. An early check of the dialation progress, and a discouraged, tired momma who was told (and obeyed - no thanks to me! :) she couldn't eat or drink anything. An early arrival to the hospital due to the prescribed antibiotics round for strep B. Being hooked up and immoble for hours at a time - leaving the chance to labor in hot water or walking around the hospital not an option. A discouraged momma who - inspite of an amazing partner; gentle, loving Mom who herself is a nurse; and a rockin' DOULA :):) - wondered how if she was only at 4cm. after hours of being in pain, wanted relief and sleep....which came with a price. Epidurals are a brilliant creation. But the baby's heartrate decel'ing and Momma's inability to feel the pushing better led to a rather rash decision to call in to secure an OR for a section. The big knife. The patience of dear Doc. was gone within a 1/2 hour. The kind, gentle ways of the rest of her birth team were a contrast to his curt instructions of her pushing. It was forgotten that babies do things in their time. That the miracle requires patience. That his heart was recovering fine after each decel. That this momma had read and trained for this birth: with books, articles and information, and in Cross-Fit and Yoga. That she had a 6-pack full of strong muscles under that stretched-out uterus, and a heart willing to push just a little longer and a little harder. That “There is a secret in our culture and it is not that birth is painful but that women are strong." - Laura Stavoe
(ok, ok, it's pretty damn painful! )
But, it is heartbreaking to watch a story unfold when you are scared for the ending. When you want it to have a storybook ending, and you watch instead unfold in the form of a nightmare: where the momma feels every inch of the knife cut from the C-section, and spends the next few hours with blue lips, on numerous ineffective but powerful pain meds unable to hold her gorgeus new bundle of sweetness. Where you wonder why you are the only one whispering in her ear: "You can DO this. They are already planning on a C-section but you CAN do this. Take a deep breath and make the next one count." Where you sob in the car on the way home: partly from sadness from the birth experience of someone you have grown to care about deeply and the disapointment of knowing your support, knowledge and enthusiasm couldn't override a woman's fatigue and time spent in wires and tubes; partly from the beauty of two families melding together..waiting hours on end for the news that all is well and the ones they love the most are safe and sound. From the almost-tangible love of family in a dark waiting room in New England; laughter and tears and bonding and a first grandbaby on both sides. Phone calls and photos and texts and life-changes and newness that is unlike anything else in this short, joy-filled journey called life. From the gut-wrenching feeling that accompanies each- WAY TOO INFREQUENT -birth of which I am blessed to witness - that this sweetness is a past gift, something that will not come again in my life, that I will never get over wanting again and again; yet glorifying and rejoicing in seeing it being opened by others. Always with envy. Always with a sense of loss and sadness mixed in with the tears they think are from "loving what I do..." (I fool them well! :) Tears partly from the relief that in the end...everything WAS OK and the pain and trauma from a birth that took a different turn had a handsome baby boy in the end with a nose like his dad and paternal grandma whose happiness was almost bursting out of herself at that observance.
I KNOW there are times that interventions save babies' lives. I KNOW there are good doctors who - in spite of their anatomy and not having any idea what labor and delievery feel like - are compassionate and supportive while being objective and patient. I have yet to doula for very many. I will continue to sing the praises of midwives from the top of the hills...
Even with a non-properly-working camera, I captured some of the emotion present here which ALMOST (ok, not even CLOSE, but...) helps make up for these absolutely horrible photos. What do you expect when your camera has to be on 6400 ISO???!!?! As grainy and as blurry/nonsharp as pictures can get with the low light and the high ISO, and the arrival of my repaired camera today from Fed-EX just makes this even harder to post. (cant wait for SOMEONE'S BIRTH to get some REAL low-light hospital baby-love!!!) Thought I would be able to use some of these for my someday-website until I used my messed-up camera, but the appreciation from momma and family makes it worth capturing the "behind the scenes" for her after all the trauma, especially...
thankful today for:
1) luke's Hugs and kisses and "I am the only one who loves you the most!"
2) Billy playing and wrestling with the littles before bedtime
3) somewhat lighter RED hair, more than the darker auburn that made me feel like an Adams Family member
4) cleaning day here
5) Bottle Cap candy from Billy
Video sent to the family - note below is what is on Vimeo to them yet is same font, etc here. So happy for them and the little man.
An unexpected arrival into so much love.... from Keri Bryant on Vimeo.
Lys and Ed - Well, I read that "the only bad pictures are the ones you don't take!" I didn't tell you that my camera was messed up - it is now sent in to get repaired - and most of the photos I took I knew would be really, really grainy, blurry and yucky due (this time! :) to my camera. BUT, that isn't why I was there, and I am happy I at least captured some of the AMAZING love, courage and support that filled the birthing center that whole night. EJ and your mom were BOTH pros, and the concern and excitement in the waiting room was almost tangible. It made my heart fill with joy for you and made me hope my own grandchildren someday can come into such a sweet blending of family.
This little guy might not have arrived the way you both dreamed, but he was just preparing you for a lifetime of surprises and sacrifice to be the amazing parents you will be. Congrats to you both!
Tuesday, January 24
Monday, January 23
Brilliance —
is abound in the things I have seen lately....like taking old stuffed animals and making money from them. I mean ART...(much more important!) —— click HERE for one of the coolest rug I have ever seen. I think it needs to be in our new kitchen "great room" and that spaghetti sauce and mud from the ice rink would just add beloved character.
Speaking of STUFFED, I just wiped my nose in order to stop it from running into my mouth. With my hand. I am class, personified. And energy....though I have done Insanity for a week and a DAY (whoot whoot!!) I am too lazy to get up off the couch and get another kleenex. So my hand had to do. And the clean pajamas etc (you know...) at 8:00 at nite after being in workout clothes all day (minus the winter hat covering up my dirty dark/purplish-red hair) without a shower...that is just laziness, personified even better.
Monday news:
1) the BATCH is not only mediocre personality and looks, but the loudest kisser I have ever seen/heard. Yuck. GIve me some quiet and give me a dude that makes me laugh. (like my own man though he makes me equally as mad...:)
2) Luke's snowman today had blueberry eyes and smile. Melts my heart every day, that kid. Slushy, dirty snow with rain all day after 5 inches or so on Saturady. It was a lovely, relaxing Saturday of not really leaving the house too much and just being with the fam. (and not too much grumpiness on my part, though the house is in utter chaos)
3) I don't know where 3 weeks went. I was and AM gonna blog more. And do 329 other things better.
4) Chicken Noodle Soup makes dreary winter days more bearable.
5) I have 6 percent battery
Thankful for:
1) kleenex
2) good health
3) sore legs
4) watching Batch with Billy and making fun of girl drama
5) my bed
Speaking of STUFFED, I just wiped my nose in order to stop it from running into my mouth. With my hand. I am class, personified. And energy....though I have done Insanity for a week and a DAY (whoot whoot!!) I am too lazy to get up off the couch and get another kleenex. So my hand had to do. And the clean pajamas etc (you know...) at 8:00 at nite after being in workout clothes all day (minus the winter hat covering up my dirty dark/purplish-red hair) without a shower...that is just laziness, personified even better.
Monday news:
1) the BATCH is not only mediocre personality and looks, but the loudest kisser I have ever seen/heard. Yuck. GIve me some quiet and give me a dude that makes me laugh. (like my own man though he makes me equally as mad...:)
2) Luke's snowman today had blueberry eyes and smile. Melts my heart every day, that kid. Slushy, dirty snow with rain all day after 5 inches or so on Saturady. It was a lovely, relaxing Saturday of not really leaving the house too much and just being with the fam. (and not too much grumpiness on my part, though the house is in utter chaos)
3) I don't know where 3 weeks went. I was and AM gonna blog more. And do 329 other things better.
4) Chicken Noodle Soup makes dreary winter days more bearable.
5) I have 6 percent battery
Thankful for:
1) kleenex
2) good health
3) sore legs
4) watching Batch with Billy and making fun of girl drama
5) my bed
Saturday, January 7
"Time" is literally falling out!!!
for this Mama of one little guy. Who blessed us tonite with a little bit of blood, one less tooth and a big grin. All he was doing was saying hi to our dear friend Chip and Big Ole Chip's hand brushed his face the wrong way and that was it for said tooth. I walked in the room a few minutes later and was told it had happened - just like that, no big deal. Look what happens when you take off your coat and hang up your purse?? You lose your baby's childhood, piece by piece, and it's just about killing me. A weird mixture of sadness for how quickly it is happening and joy in his pure sweetness. There are no words for it. Though I have lots of excuses and lame reasons why I just couldnt get up the gumption to write much the past year, lots of it has to do with not being able to put into words the mix of emotions that are ever-present, right under the surface: How much I miss this little face each day when he is at school, but how relieved I feel other days to be able to do stuff I haven't had time for before or to be anxious to have peace from another face that isn't quite as sweet. To feel completely and totally blessed to have such amazing, healthy, fun, kind, smart, loving kids...and yet still get so angry at them for being totally fine living like pigs. To constantly forget the things that we need to get done around here, yet want to have a burning passion and talent (business, specifically!) separate from their failures and successes. To always be the last mom for this pick-up or that drop off; to miss Luke's story he shared at the 'holiday' party due to being EXACTLY FIVE MINUTES late, yet to constantly yearn for more babies to cuddle and adore. (Who grow up, might I remind you...) To be constantly pointing out to the Mister what we (or most often, HE) needs to do better, different, stricter in order to parent these gifts in a way where they are confident and kind and not entitled and mediocre. (Yet on any given Saturday I am the grumpy one, annoyed that there is so much to do around the house and no one to do it; secretly jealous that he is the one who plays the most often and enjoys them instead of worrying about how crappy the yard job was done or who complained the whole time doing it. ) To want to bottle up the sweet moments with each one of the FIVE of them, Daddi-o included, and to be reminded daily how quickly they fly away. Some days that makes me deeply sad, and other days it is a relief when I feel that the one who seems like she is so angry to be here won't be in just a few short years...
"Sunrise, Sunset, Sunrise, Sunset. Quickly Fly the years..One season following another; laden with happiness and tears."
- From Fiddler on the Roof
One. Day. At. A. Time.
ANd they go toooooo fast (MOST of the time!!!)
Tomorrow is the first Saturday of the month, and I am completely determined to make it a good one. Not one of yelling and making sure the list of damn chores gets checked off, or who lost Luke's other basketball sneaker. But one of spending some time just being together outside of games and birthday parties. I am determined this year to change the mood here on Saturdays, as there as ALOT of Saturdays that make up a year....Or very few, when there are just a few years left!! I am taking the big girls to MY happy place Anthro, where there are great sales on skirts and dresses that I can't begin to rock with my gut right now, and have them feel beautiful and modest in a few new things for church. And I am loving up on the toothless little man when he shows me the cash from Mr. Tooth Fairy (he just happens to be a Mister in THIS house!) and looking forward to hearing about how much fun Em has at the rockclimging bday party that is her first chance to surprise a good friend. And THAT is one of my fave things...
Lots to be thankful for today/tonite...
1) FRIDAY - fave day of the week.
2) 2 days this week of both watching kids skate, then joining them. For a few mins. til the usual pain starts in my arches.
3) 3 delish meals out in a 24 hour period with dear, dear friends. (Ok, ok the friends go first even before the Nicoise Salad or the Fig Ice Cream!) They enrich my heart, my life, and I dont know what I would do without knowing that they are there..even if 4 years - and a sponsored marriage!! :) - goes by between the catching up lunches. I am surrounded by amazingly wonderful, brilliant, talented, giving, funny, dear dear people and I want to be someone who gives as much to friends as they give to me.
4) Taking the time to reach out and treasure those relationships when it would be easier and make more sense to "get stuff done." Ah, the *$(* lists!!!
5) Kitchen cabinets STARTEDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6) 2 more days til ANOTHER bestie comes to work in NY and Sunday will be with her....UNLESS
7) the almost-FULL MOOON puts my client Momma into labor. Today is her due date, and I am thrilled to drive an hour away (more thrilled if it isnt 3am!) to join her and boyfriend turning into parents. There is nothing quite like seeing 3 people become a family and if the fairy tale ends happily, they will marry and stay together and call me in 2 years for baby 2!
8) sleeping in in the morning
9) chance to win THIS below
10) BEAUTIFUL posts like THIS ONE about the ins and out of mothering...and how each day is full of the mixed emotions. ANd 11) friends who know me well enough to send it to me! xoxo J.!!!
Click HERE to go to Crave Photography and win a free 85mm lens. But I don't really want one of (all 3!) of you to win. Come on, like I am that selfless. I just increase my chance if I share it on here.
Monday, January 2
What are YOUR dreams?
is the question a blog-bestie-turned-real-bestie asked in her beautiful writing this past week. Posed to her by her husband she adores, who was smart enough to know that in wording the question another way he could be IMPLYING that she needs to make big changes.
Tangent: (I am so good at these!) I was blessed enough to have my mom come help when all four of my sweet babies were born. She is a mover and a shaker, and between her and my dad, there were always plenty of lists made around the house, half-crossed out with immediate plans of when the rest would be checked off. Besides cooking delish meals, cleaning, loving and playing with a 2 or 4 year-old toddlers depending on which girl was born- or just listening to me be emotional post-birth...she also was spectacular at getting things crossed off that I didn't even know were on my list. (Partly because there wasn't a list; mostly because the afore-mentioned baby, 2 and 4 year old within 5 years) Putting up paintings or pictures that had leaned against walls for ummm...years (?!?) or painting a room or putting up shelves. Making a house feel more homey. Several days in a row she asked me the same question: "What is your goal for the day?" I think it took 3 days of that question posed (and answered with a blank stare) before breakfast after nursing a newborn every 2 hours all night had me break out in tears. Giant. Tears. And sniffles. Now I can laugh at it when a few times a year I get that question from my man, who is maybe just reminding me that he still can tolerate living with someone who is closer to a TYPE V (or L on a good day...) than a TYPE A. I no longer feel like I am in "survival mode" as I did with 3 sweet little girls with the intensity of their need and their ages - while also battling undiagnosed depression I have written of often here (back when I USED TO WRITE MORE THAN ONCE A MONTH!!!) BUT BUT BUT —— I am guilty of many a day when a goal is far from my mind. Or when the list of "things to get done" goes unregarded and unconsidered. Not a glance. Not a bra put on or a stitch of makeup and not due to a good work out first! But I digress...
SO, what are YOUR dreams? I ask the whoppin' 3 sweet bestie-friends out there who read this. Ok, maybe 4 counting ma belle Soeur Clark. Do they correlate to a "goal for the day" or for the year or are you thinking longer term then 2012? Are they regarding health, family, love, loss, change, fear, passion, work, or talent? Do they involve a bucket list or are they just the kind of dreams that involve putting your nose to the grindstone and "gettin er done?" Are they too scary to write because then you risk not seeing them come to fruition? (oh, these are sounding like those *$*@#$ GOALS again, huh?!!) And don't they call those things RESOLUTIONS today??
"We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched.
Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential."
-- Ellen Goodman
LOVE THIS. Got it today on my daily quote emails. So perfect. It is way too easy to remember all that we dont do and all that we aren't rather than what we are.
This past week for Christmas, my mom suggested NOT that we have a goal :) but that Billy and I give the kids the gift on Christmas Eve with telling them about our 2 Christmases on our missions. Mine in France and Belgium, and Billy in So. Californnia, where he didn't spend it puking from the stomach bug the first one and having a crazy lady throw food at him on the 2nd one. In preparing to TRYING to tell them the spiritual side, not just the comical-only-now side of those 2 memories from long ago, I re-read parts of my mission journal. And was reminded of how goal-oriented I was then. I mad lots of list. Not just for New YEar's but for a new week. A new month. A new Ville. A new companion. You get the picture. Always the same discussions to memorize (never happened) the same pounds lost (eventually happened) and the same if-only-I-perfectly-obedient-we-will-teach/baptize/etc etc. (sometimes happened...but this was FRANCE!!!) I look back and smile at the "goals" and dreams I had for my mission, before I knew what it felt like to be called Mom. Before I knew what it felt like to dream about sitting in the same room with a daughter who laughs with you or tells you something she is feeling or thinking. Before I knew what it felt like to have some moments/days/ weeks wondering who the *$*% invented the whole marriage-thing and if they are up above looking down laughing. But then to have other moments in the same day or week where you feel so blessed that you don't know what you did to deserve it. Before I knew what it felt like to have a little guy who adores you so much that you think your heart will burst and wonder why with all the rich Pharmacuticual companies in our country one of them hasn't yet invented a pill that slows down the growing-up process. To tighten back the top-two baby-teeth and freeze the prayers that ask for his new Bearded Dragon lizard to be safe. And to have a side-affect be always wanting to spoon with mom and dad, or running full speed and jumping into my arms after getting off the bus. Every. Single .Day.
Who knew that the dreams would change? I guess I knew they would, but where do the goals end and the dreams begin? Who knew that the teenage girl with a 6 pack who looked around at Moms at a pool or the Rogue River and thought often "Why doesn't she just do some freakin' sit-ups with a stomach like that????" would be dreaming of the days when OP bikinis were actually flattering? Or the decades I spent with absolute surety that I would be the "cool mom" who has daughters who would be excited to go shopping or to a movie or to lunch together? Or the chick flicks that made all of us girlies SURE that we would someday marry a boy who loved us so much he would stand at our window with a boom-box playing "In your Eyes" at full volume, even though it might wake up the perfect babies and toddlers sleeping in the next room?
Oh, my, life is flying by. And it is a good one. Full of ups and downs; beauty and ashes; give and take. And I am determined to record it more.
To record the wins and the losses. The little things that "someday will be the big things." And I am determined to somehow get to a place where a super-messy house doesn't make me wanna yell at everyone around me when they complain about cleaning up and let it ruin the rest of the evening so that all the beauty that happened that day is too much trouble to write down and it's easier to just read someone else's blog or edit photos. It goes too fast, and is too amazing and wonderful.
So, yes, I have dreams. I have dreams for a lifetime, and dreams for 2012. I have dreams that are attainable with a magic wand of patience, increased love, gratitude, forgiveness, self-control, hard-work, organization, sacrifice, loyalty, and maybe most of all a little pixie-dust of Ritalin or Adderal thrown in for good measure.
Maybe they involve long, long, LOOOOONG TO-Do lists. Maybe - just MAYBE - I will be the one who doesn't let my doubts of God's love creep in and outweigh all the good feelings and blessings from living the very way that blesses us. Maybe I will be the one who puts my family and friends ahead of myself more often than not. Maybe it will involve prioritizing what matters over what doesn't. Maybe it involves not wishing away a few years left with a certain someone living in this home. And maybe it will involve getting her to India this summer, without me, but with my push and prayers. Maybe I am tired of seeing cute things at Anthro that would look good on someone I used to be before that final kid made my belly (ok, and arms....) look permanantly 5 months pregnant. Maybe, just MAYBE I will scrape up enough PRIDE from doing "INSANITY" (yes, that is what it is that I am starting it....) that I will actually get my paperwork done for my doula work...and finish something. Something I started, well.....way too long ago and have CHAMPIONED procrastinating. Maybe it will involve a sense of pride in having a website, a biz and beautiful cards. With my contact info and two hard-earned skills on it. And maybe, oh maybe, I will make delish, nutritious crock-pot meals (that is something besides soup!) on freezing cold days in a lovely new kitchen that only took 4 years to decide on and finish instead of 5 by 20123. Maybe it involves being first to check in with family across the country, becuase we never know what it gonna happen. Maybe new puppies, maybe not. Maybe it will involved putting photos in the frames on the wall in Luke's room that Emily just asked if I was ever going to do. One of them has a beautiful mom smiling with her 2 kids in it. And the brand name of the frame. I like looking at her and being reminded that is is just cool and exciting to have 400 hopes and dreams and balls in the air and be so busy...ummmm...distracted?? — that you can't print out a picture and put it in.
I bet she has hopes and dreams for herself and for those 2 kids. I bet she has a goal for today. But for now, she can just stay where she is, and be ready for me to rip her out.
Any. Day. Now.
2012, I own you.
Thankful for:
1) Joc having little cousin Christian on her hip tonite at my in-laws
2) the love my kids have for their cousins and vice versa
3) resisting chocolate frosting that is to die for and Aunt Jeanne's funeral potatoes. One. Day. At. A. Freakin. Time.
4) A growling stomach...i guess.
5) Luke's comment this morning when I got out of the shower and he was brushing his teeth "Your butt is all clean and Dad's is all mark-ey." Yep, pimple free back there, folks. That from behind-shot is gonna get me on the cover of Victoria Secret, if not Playboy.
6) posting without a photo. I can do it. OF.TEN.
7) christmas memories
8) sleeping in on sundays with 1:00 church
9) a surprise treat of waffle cone sundaes on our doorstep on arriving home
10) one more day in the morning to sleep in...then
11) kids back at school (gosh, brutal honesty.) WEst Coast moms with kids home 2 weeks in December: I salute you. I am prostrated in front of you, humbled at your greatness.
Peace out, 2011. It's been real.
Tangent: (I am so good at these!) I was blessed enough to have my mom come help when all four of my sweet babies were born. She is a mover and a shaker, and between her and my dad, there were always plenty of lists made around the house, half-crossed out with immediate plans of when the rest would be checked off. Besides cooking delish meals, cleaning, loving and playing with a 2 or 4 year-old toddlers depending on which girl was born- or just listening to me be emotional post-birth...she also was spectacular at getting things crossed off that I didn't even know were on my list. (Partly because there wasn't a list; mostly because the afore-mentioned baby, 2 and 4 year old within 5 years) Putting up paintings or pictures that had leaned against walls for ummm...years (?!?) or painting a room or putting up shelves. Making a house feel more homey. Several days in a row she asked me the same question: "What is your goal for the day?" I think it took 3 days of that question posed (and answered with a blank stare) before breakfast after nursing a newborn every 2 hours all night had me break out in tears. Giant. Tears. And sniffles. Now I can laugh at it when a few times a year I get that question from my man, who is maybe just reminding me that he still can tolerate living with someone who is closer to a TYPE V (or L on a good day...) than a TYPE A. I no longer feel like I am in "survival mode" as I did with 3 sweet little girls with the intensity of their need and their ages - while also battling undiagnosed depression I have written of often here (back when I USED TO WRITE MORE THAN ONCE A MONTH!!!) BUT BUT BUT —— I am guilty of many a day when a goal is far from my mind. Or when the list of "things to get done" goes unregarded and unconsidered. Not a glance. Not a bra put on or a stitch of makeup and not due to a good work out first! But I digress...
SO, what are YOUR dreams? I ask the whoppin' 3 sweet bestie-friends out there who read this. Ok, maybe 4 counting ma belle Soeur Clark. Do they correlate to a "goal for the day" or for the year or are you thinking longer term then 2012? Are they regarding health, family, love, loss, change, fear, passion, work, or talent? Do they involve a bucket list or are they just the kind of dreams that involve putting your nose to the grindstone and "gettin er done?" Are they too scary to write because then you risk not seeing them come to fruition? (oh, these are sounding like those *$*@#$ GOALS again, huh?!!) And don't they call those things RESOLUTIONS today??
"We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched.
Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential."
-- Ellen Goodman
LOVE THIS. Got it today on my daily quote emails. So perfect. It is way too easy to remember all that we dont do and all that we aren't rather than what we are.
This past week for Christmas, my mom suggested NOT that we have a goal :) but that Billy and I give the kids the gift on Christmas Eve with telling them about our 2 Christmases on our missions. Mine in France and Belgium, and Billy in So. Californnia, where he didn't spend it puking from the stomach bug the first one and having a crazy lady throw food at him on the 2nd one. In preparing to TRYING to tell them the spiritual side, not just the comical-only-now side of those 2 memories from long ago, I re-read parts of my mission journal. And was reminded of how goal-oriented I was then. I mad lots of list. Not just for New YEar's but for a new week. A new month. A new Ville. A new companion. You get the picture. Always the same discussions to memorize (never happened) the same pounds lost (eventually happened) and the same if-only-I-perfectly-obedient-we-will-teach/baptize/etc etc. (sometimes happened...but this was FRANCE!!!) I look back and smile at the "goals" and dreams I had for my mission, before I knew what it felt like to be called Mom. Before I knew what it felt like to dream about sitting in the same room with a daughter who laughs with you or tells you something she is feeling or thinking. Before I knew what it felt like to have some moments/days/ weeks wondering who the *$*% invented the whole marriage-thing and if they are up above looking down laughing. But then to have other moments in the same day or week where you feel so blessed that you don't know what you did to deserve it. Before I knew what it felt like to have a little guy who adores you so much that you think your heart will burst and wonder why with all the rich Pharmacuticual companies in our country one of them hasn't yet invented a pill that slows down the growing-up process. To tighten back the top-two baby-teeth and freeze the prayers that ask for his new Bearded Dragon lizard to be safe. And to have a side-affect be always wanting to spoon with mom and dad, or running full speed and jumping into my arms after getting off the bus. Every. Single .Day.
Who knew that the dreams would change? I guess I knew they would, but where do the goals end and the dreams begin? Who knew that the teenage girl with a 6 pack who looked around at Moms at a pool or the Rogue River and thought often "Why doesn't she just do some freakin' sit-ups with a stomach like that????" would be dreaming of the days when OP bikinis were actually flattering? Or the decades I spent with absolute surety that I would be the "cool mom" who has daughters who would be excited to go shopping or to a movie or to lunch together? Or the chick flicks that made all of us girlies SURE that we would someday marry a boy who loved us so much he would stand at our window with a boom-box playing "In your Eyes" at full volume, even though it might wake up the perfect babies and toddlers sleeping in the next room?
Oh, my, life is flying by. And it is a good one. Full of ups and downs; beauty and ashes; give and take. And I am determined to record it more.
To record the wins and the losses. The little things that "someday will be the big things." And I am determined to somehow get to a place where a super-messy house doesn't make me wanna yell at everyone around me when they complain about cleaning up and let it ruin the rest of the evening so that all the beauty that happened that day is too much trouble to write down and it's easier to just read someone else's blog or edit photos. It goes too fast, and is too amazing and wonderful.
So, yes, I have dreams. I have dreams for a lifetime, and dreams for 2012. I have dreams that are attainable with a magic wand of patience, increased love, gratitude, forgiveness, self-control, hard-work, organization, sacrifice, loyalty, and maybe most of all a little pixie-dust of Ritalin or Adderal thrown in for good measure.
Maybe they involve long, long, LOOOOONG TO-Do lists. Maybe - just MAYBE - I will be the one who doesn't let my doubts of God's love creep in and outweigh all the good feelings and blessings from living the very way that blesses us. Maybe I will be the one who puts my family and friends ahead of myself more often than not. Maybe it will involve prioritizing what matters over what doesn't. Maybe it involves not wishing away a few years left with a certain someone living in this home. And maybe it will involve getting her to India this summer, without me, but with my push and prayers. Maybe I am tired of seeing cute things at Anthro that would look good on someone I used to be before that final kid made my belly (ok, and arms....) look permanantly 5 months pregnant. Maybe, just MAYBE I will scrape up enough PRIDE from doing "INSANITY" (yes, that is what it is that I am starting it....) that I will actually get my paperwork done for my doula work...and finish something. Something I started, well.....way too long ago and have CHAMPIONED procrastinating. Maybe it will involve a sense of pride in having a website, a biz and beautiful cards. With my contact info and two hard-earned skills on it. And maybe, oh maybe, I will make delish, nutritious crock-pot meals (that is something besides soup!) on freezing cold days in a lovely new kitchen that only took 4 years to decide on and finish instead of 5 by 20123. Maybe it involves being first to check in with family across the country, becuase we never know what it gonna happen. Maybe new puppies, maybe not. Maybe it will involved putting photos in the frames on the wall in Luke's room that Emily just asked if I was ever going to do. One of them has a beautiful mom smiling with her 2 kids in it. And the brand name of the frame. I like looking at her and being reminded that is is just cool and exciting to have 400 hopes and dreams and balls in the air and be so busy...ummmm...distracted?? — that you can't print out a picture and put it in.
I bet she has hopes and dreams for herself and for those 2 kids. I bet she has a goal for today. But for now, she can just stay where she is, and be ready for me to rip her out.
Any. Day. Now.
2012, I own you.
Thankful for:
1) Joc having little cousin Christian on her hip tonite at my in-laws
2) the love my kids have for their cousins and vice versa
3) resisting chocolate frosting that is to die for and Aunt Jeanne's funeral potatoes. One. Day. At. A. Freakin. Time.
4) A growling stomach...i guess.
5) Luke's comment this morning when I got out of the shower and he was brushing his teeth "Your butt is all clean and Dad's is all mark-ey." Yep, pimple free back there, folks. That from behind-shot is gonna get me on the cover of Victoria Secret, if not Playboy.
6) posting without a photo. I can do it. OF.TEN.
7) christmas memories
8) sleeping in on sundays with 1:00 church
9) a surprise treat of waffle cone sundaes on our doorstep on arriving home
10) one more day in the morning to sleep in...then
11) kids back at school (gosh, brutal honesty.) WEst Coast moms with kids home 2 weeks in December: I salute you. I am prostrated in front of you, humbled at your greatness.
Peace out, 2011. It's been real.
Tuesday, December 6
MY heart on a beach....
Monday, November 21
L.O.V.E.
spells love. Even if you can't "read" or see it. Even if you have a 110 pound 15 year old that wears baggy sweatshirts that make the "L" more like a "C" and a little sweet guy who tries so hard at everything but has too short of arms to keep up with his big sisters and cries when they hurt his feelings or his pride. Or a beautiful 13 year old that is easily annoyed and wants to be the "L" because she knows she will make more effort than the older sister and is tired of listening to me say "Can you JUST keep your arms straigh?!?" to her. And even if you can't read the "M" on the Em :) or see that she is the only one still smiling as she teeters back and forth on one leg; always happy, amazingly optimistic. All so different; all patient and forgiving at my annoyance at wanting the "perfect shot" taken quickly and painlessly. Framed on the wall to remind me that when we are yelling at each other, tired and grumpy or our Family Nites are dissruptive, spirit-less, perfunctionary, and feel like a total waste...there there really is still beauty all around....when there is LOVE at home. At least ONE of them posed perfectly. Not the one who was told what to do but the one who sometimes I thinks loves me the most! The one who waits at the bottom of the stairs for me to get ready, even if (on rare occasions) it involves a blow-dry AND actaully making my bed and putting away clean clothes. The one who comes in while I am on the computer now and puts her head in my lap, hiding the keys. The one who lays perfectly still while a one-year old yells and pulls on her ear. The one who woudl be the perfect mama to puppies but who can't get pregnant when the male STUD dog isn't so studly. Spent the weekend trying for this dream of mine to happen, and in a nutshell, it is a comedy of errors. A gorgeus 90 lb. Yellow Lab who can't figure out how to get it up and get in going on. After 3 days of hot dates (that weren't even lukewarm at times..) we finally involved a vet today. Because I am trying to be better about writing, I hope someday I will read this and laugh....REMEMBER WHEN I spent several hundred dollars on Bella to get her to have puppies??) And that is only becaues the owner of Oscar the UNSTUD - paid for half of it! (it was too late in Bella's cycle to go find another stud dog, etc) I am just amazed at how hard we tried and how much it takes for 2 dogs to get preg-o when there are unwanted mutts all over at every pound and every home from shelters. WEirD IRONY of life. SO the vet is probably laughing all the way to the bank tonite BUT I admit a mental lap in good judgement when I am a tad caught up in obsession and have someone else on board not trying to talk me OUT of it..but in fact willing to pay for half of it and who wants puppies too. LIke THAT makes it sane. And like Oscar's owners are going to be aroudn to be happy for us if we were lucky enough to have any and there were ten piles of pee and poop everywhere for a few months. BUT that is what I want. Ok, enough about how much I love my Bella and want more of them runnig around. I also wanna weigh in the 140's again; to finish the kitchen; (to be able to talk about that without a battle to the other person here in charge...) to make Christmas special and Christ-centered for my chidlren/the man; to help Joc and Carly bring up their grades and study more; to make photo books for my in-laws, sister, parents, brother and sis. in law for Christmas, and about 10 other things at the top of my list. And my kids and Billy should always be at the top. Man, oh man, I am alwasy working on (CHANGING!) that and making it a reality. And putting that 148 pounds higher too...yikes. Watching Taylor Swift sing on the TiVoed Music Awards and am excited that TOMORROW nite she will look even better LIVE. Taking my 2 big girls to see her in Madison Square Gardens, where I took Jocely about 8 years ago to see Dixie Chicks. We saw T Swift 2 years ago for their Christmas gift. They dont know and I adore surprises. Cant wait to see thier faces and love making memories with them that they can look back on. Wish i coudl just do that for them for Christmas and call it good! :) Weekend was filled with breeding attempts and 80's party which is always fun. Didnt have to look far or go to any costume storre when you are married to the guy who has a closet full of those clothtes. One of these years I am gonna have my 1988 body back - maybe that woudl be up the attic or in his closet, too - and then I might just pull off some crazy work-out outfit with legwarmers. Candance from Aerobics at "the Palace" in Provo, circa 1990 thru '92. Might have well been 1982 though. Love it. I am out of practice at this. Need to get in grove again. I miss knowing that I can look back on these entries and remember the days... Grateful for: 1) not packing for Thanksgiving coming up - going 5 mins. away to Treva's and loooove watching the cousins togehter
2) enough money to not break us with doing somthing as FREAKIN CRAZY as getting my dog knocked up at a VET!
3) Luke's excitement about having HOT LUNCH Today. It's the little things...
4) Joc's excitment about her science teacher giving her a granola bar when she said she was hungry in class. she told me in the car and Daddi-O at dinner. It's cute when you think you know what makes a teenage girl happy and then you are continually surprised. Think I will start paying better attention and buying granola bars in bulk.
5) Warm, T-shirt of sweatshirt weather when Turkey day is a few days away. amazing fall warmth making up for the mediocre, dissapointing color! ' '
6) A NEW DOULA CLIENT for Jan. 4th. Which is so lovely to think I could be spending Christmas at a hospital an hour away for the measly fee I agreed on...I must have been feeling very...desperate. Vet insemination, missing newborn sounds and the miracle of new birth. HA! No, actually I am excited since it is her first baby and she was very nice on the phone and it's my first referral. Now maybe I will certify by the beg. of 2012. Gosh I have such severe ADD.
Oh yes...and a chance to win 10 grand worth of photography stuff. not that I am really using it anytime soon....but you never know. ONe chance is sharing on my blog for my thousands of readers...:):)
http://laurawinslowphotography.com/blog/2011/11/21/10000-holiday-bloggie-bash-laura-winslow-photography/
Monday, November 14
So much harder than it really looks...
to capture families. I learned a few weeks ago that all those great shots I admire (and am waiting anxiously for of our family...) are just really challenging. Maybe if you have lots of experience. Or if this cute but grumpy dog didn't need to be in each shot. But basically I left my first "paid" family session totally discouraged knowing the shots weren't gonna be that great. And I was right. So, I am retiring any hope of being paid to get photos of families, but excited to go forward with birthing photography and start getting some clients! (if I can just stop doing 46 other things every day and late evening...) Tonite I am seeing if it really works to blog from Lightroom into Blogger. It it does, I might actaully get some more messages into here, since I love adding photos of the kids and our life. I keep telling myself I am going to record all our ups and downs more, and then nothing changes. So, even though I know they don't need photos in therm, I vow to record more often all that is going on... and it is alot! :)
Thankful for :
1) jamie 's constant willingness to give of her precious time and energy to teach others.
2) Her constantly opening up her home - throwing showers and parties of every kind, inviting so many people and making such an effort to connect. Makes me want to be a better friend and person, and be kinder and more giving.
3) thank you notes and school photos sent off to lots of people
4) heart still full from last nite's "Young Women in Excellencte" at churhc. I feel completley blessed and humble to be working with the youth - especially those sweet young ladies with whom my daughters are both friends and whom they admire. THey are courageous, valiant, bright, loving, fun, creative and giving. I adore them and am so grateful that my girls and Luke have a foundation of good values that they are being raised with that so many parents don't have without a church or something else like it in their lives.
5) 4 mile run this morning. Yep. Hard to believe. I actually like it when it is over. And when good songs come on and I am distracted.
6) Ben Rector on Pandora...best. Running. Station. Ever. loooove
7) hot soup and bread for dinner started in the morning
8) Family home evening story/llesson on not giving into the "just this once" temptation...led by a Daddi-o who adores his kids and has more patience in his arm than I have in my whole being.
9) one lesson down in my breastfeeding course
10) BELLA getting closer to Eustrus. (what is that? well, since I am blogging REGULARLY ...you will have to wait and see!! ) NOt that YOU is more than about 2 friends. But I am blogging for ME, baby. I loved being able to read what /who/where/why/with whom I was doing and feeling and seeing and regretting and loving and watching and eating and yelling at and remembering and hugging and kissing and listening to and wondering and accomplishing and failing at and..... we will see if I can stick to this. Have faith. :):) ' '
Ok, added after exporting outta LIghtroom. Appently, I have a few kinks to work out. The amazing thing is, I just will send this to my friend Jamie, and her brilliance and INSANE computer/Lightroom/HTML/ LIFE knowledge will have it fixed in no time. And did I tell you that she does this all with 5 kids at home ? no biggie....
Thankful for :
1) jamie 's constant willingness to give of her precious time and energy to teach others.
2) Her constantly opening up her home - throwing showers and parties of every kind, inviting so many people and making such an effort to connect. Makes me want to be a better friend and person, and be kinder and more giving.
3) thank you notes and school photos sent off to lots of people
4) heart still full from last nite's "Young Women in Excellencte" at churhc. I feel completley blessed and humble to be working with the youth - especially those sweet young ladies with whom my daughters are both friends and whom they admire. THey are courageous, valiant, bright, loving, fun, creative and giving. I adore them and am so grateful that my girls and Luke have a foundation of good values that they are being raised with that so many parents don't have without a church or something else like it in their lives.
5) 4 mile run this morning. Yep. Hard to believe. I actually like it when it is over. And when good songs come on and I am distracted.
6) Ben Rector on Pandora...best. Running. Station. Ever. loooove
7) hot soup and bread for dinner started in the morning
8) Family home evening story/llesson on not giving into the "just this once" temptation...led by a Daddi-o who adores his kids and has more patience in his arm than I have in my whole being.
9) one lesson down in my breastfeeding course
10) BELLA getting closer to Eustrus. (what is that? well, since I am blogging REGULARLY ...you will have to wait and see!! ) NOt that YOU is more than about 2 friends. But I am blogging for ME, baby. I loved being able to read what /who/where/why/with whom I was doing and feeling and seeing and regretting and loving and watching and eating and yelling at and remembering and hugging and kissing and listening to and wondering and accomplishing and failing at and..... we will see if I can stick to this. Have faith. :):) ' '
Ok, added after exporting outta LIghtroom. Appently, I have a few kinks to work out. The amazing thing is, I just will send this to my friend Jamie, and her brilliance and INSANE computer/Lightroom/HTML/ LIFE knowledge will have it fixed in no time. And did I tell you that she does this all with 5 kids at home ? no biggie....
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